Does this Interest You?

Okay, I'm very young. I've just turned thirteen. This isn't about vampires or anything. In fact, I haven't even read Twilight. Anyway, this is the second part of the beginning to my first book in my series, The Bartholomew Trilogy. It's Called 'Bartholomew's Guild'. I want you to tell me if this interests you. If it doesn't, feel free to critique. This is from the very very very very first draft of my book, so it's not perfect, I realize that:



The Bartholomew Trilogy: Bartholomew's Guild



November 12, 2010, 12:34 AM—Dublin, Ireland



Sighing with boredom, Malcolm lazily flipped open a newspaper and kicked his feet up onto the counter. Rain was pouring all around, the dingy fluorescent light of the small guard booth barely lighting the flooding parking lot.

Getting tired of the silence, he turned up the volume on the radio, on which Mick Jagger was singing his heart out.

“War, children, it's just a shot away! It's just a shot away! War, children, it's just a shot away! It's just a shot away! Ooh, see the fire is sweepin' My very street today! Burns like a red coal carpet Mad bull lost its way! War, children, it's just a shot away! It's just a shot away! War, children, it's just a shot away! It's just a shot away!”

Turning the page, Malcolm happened to glance up. Standing in a frighteningly stiff way, with her black hood pulled over her face, was a young woman. She seemed to have just appeared out of nowhere, of all places.

Malcolm’s stone began to glow brightly in her line of vision.

Turning off the Radio and standing up, Malcolm squinted through the window. She was just…standing. Never moving. Staring at the rain falling around her feet. Convincing himself there was no danger, Malcolm pressed his stone to his heart, making it dissipate into a dim yet warm glow. He pushed the door to the booth open, pulling on his rain jacket and taking a large step down. Water coated his face as he took steps towards her, the light in the booth flickering as the wind picked up.

“Hullo?”

Staring.

“Miss, are you alright?”

Looking up.

“I said—”

All at once, something came thumping from the darkness—something large. Something animal-like. Something terrible.

A sickening scream of pain cut through the darkness like a knife to butter. Malcolm collapsed on the ground, holding the bloody bite mark on his leg. His stone was glowing as brightly as a spotlight now. Looking up, his eyes already red from the werewolf’s pheromones, he managed to choke out:

“Who—Who are you?! What do you want?!” he was looking up at her, in hysterics.

More screams, grunts, and cries of pain.

The Young Woman slowly pulled back her hood, passively looking down at Malcolm. “Don’t act like you don’t know who I work for.” a smug smile came across her face. “You no longer work for your half-beast society. Your soul belongs to us.” With that, she motioned with her spindly hand.

Malcolm was overcome with fear. These were The Darks. The Ones he had been warned of. The enemy.

From the darkness stepped a giant of a man, a man with a clean cut goatee and shaggy hair. He was wearing the same black robe as the young woman. And, just as the woman did, he wore a gray band on his arm, with the initials ‘I V’ engraved into it.

“Oh no, no, no,” gasped Malcolm, dragging his leg and attempting to crawl away. “I beg of you, Dark! Please, no!”

“Cease your nonsense rants. It will get you nowhere, half-beast.”

The Parking lot echoed with blood-curdling screams of pain, but not from the Werewolf pheromones of the bite, but from the excruciating pain of having one’s soul separated from their body.Does this Interest You?
Other than your choice of Dublin for the location(up the Dubs!) I can't say I was all that interested. But each to their own :)



Best of luck as you continue writing :)



P.S. The overall concept may not be to my taste but I must admit that the line "You no longer work for your half-beast society. Your soul belongs to us." was epic! Definitely got me to sit up and notice where I had been indifferent before.Does this Interest You?
very interesting and at your age to write like this you are very good and can only get better.a future stephen king perhaps :)Does this Interest You?
yes